We need to talk. I have a lot I need to communicate but it seems like you're just not hearing me. To make things easier for you, I thought I'd compile a list of thoughts that go through my head each day. Perhaps this will help us come to a better understanding and make our days run a little smoother. Enjoy.
Grace (12.5 months, in case you forgot)
We're out of the house and you forgot to pack me a change of clothes? This is an opportune time to execute the biggest poop of my life.
I don't know why you bother cooking dinner. This is clearly the time of day when I need to pull your pants off and graft myself to your leg.
Your head is turned! I gotta climb something now, GO GO GO!!!
I see you're on the phone. I GOTTA SCREAM!!! Can't you hear me?! I gotta do it LOUDER!
Did you just change my crib sheet? I want to make sure it's clean before I vomit all over it.
That particular brand of cereal is not at all appetizing unless it is on the floor.
I know you work so hard to keep choking hazards off the floor. Don't worry, let me help you...I'll immediately find all the tiny little pieces you miss. You're welcome.
I don't understand why you are always messing up the house. I am constantly putting my toys and other things away, right in the middle of the floor where they belong, and you keep messing them up by putting them in bins and baskets. Can't you see how hard I work to keep things organized?
Why on God's green earth would I ever willfully go to sleep? Are you crazy?
My older brother has left his carefully crafted masterpiece just within my reach. So clearly it's mine and I'm going to destroy it with glee.
Socks. I just...no. NO. Just so we're clear on this, I'm going to leave one in the corner under my dresser and the other in stuffed into the back of a cabinet. Okay?
Hats. Seriously? They suffocate my three strands of hair. You expect me to keep this on for more than 1/25 of a second? Are you crazy? You seem to like hats, so I'll leave a collection for you under the back seat in the car.
Shoes, on the other hand, are wonderful. I love shoes. They're unmatchable for teething.
Someone left the toilet lid up! GO GO GO!!!
Someone left the baby gate open! GO GO GO!!!
Someone opened the dishwasher! GO GO GO!!! (I have uncanny intuition for these things).
Pick me up, pick me up, pick me up, waaaahhh, pick me up!
Put me down, put me down, put me down, waaaahhh, put me down!
Don't you dare, under any circumstances, rub the bristles on that toothbrush over my precious teeth or I will scream bloody murder. I'm warning you now. I will clamp my mouth shut with the strength of a vise to prove my point.
Don't you dare, under any circumstances, attempt to clip my fingernails. You should know better by now.
Pouring water over my head. Do we even need to discuss this? Are you insane?
What to you mean, I'm a "picky" eater? I think it's pretty clear that I dislike pretty much everything.
Now that we're clear on all of this, I just wanted to let you know that I love you, Mommy. Don't leave me for a second. Not. Ever.