|Maybe I was trying to look cute. I am also currently in rebellion against wearing pants (aside from pajamas).|
If I'm 36 weeks pregnant, what in the world possessed me on Saturday to think I could: 1. take the kids grocery shopping, 2. go to a birthday party, 3. clean the house, 4. go to a church social function, and 5. have a perfect dinner lined up -- all within the span of less than 12 hours???
After accomplishing 1 and 2, I collapsed into a vegetative state (don't worry, figure of speech, nothing medical here). And then, when my patient and understanding husband tried to convince me to stay home for the rest of the day and find some peace and rest, I turned into a weeping mess. I'm notably not unlike my 2-year-old, who gets frustrated and throws a fit when he can't reach the light switch.
I was stubborn for a while. Finally, after about half an hour of being unable to look at Marc without bursting into tears, I caved. I stayed home and we had pizza for dinner. Did I mention we had pizza for lunch at the birthday party? At least the kids were euphoric.
Similar story on Sunday. I was exhausted just from going to church. We have a small group over every Sunday night, and the thought of it was making me hyperventilate -- even though it was our last week hosting for a while and Marc was doing all the prep work.
I calmed down a little when friends arrived and enjoyed their company. And I showed off my expertly crafted nursery.
|At least my baby girl will have a pretty bed to sleep in -- as long as my boys quit untying the crib bumpers.|
How I'm doing depends on the moment, and how I look at it. Take the nursery, for example. Sometimes it makes me want to cry, and sometimes it makes me want to laugh.
I've even cried because I feel so out of control of myself. You know what I mean?
Fortunately, I have many loving people and even a wise conscience that are all screaming at me: "Slow down! And don't be so hard on yourself!"
So now it's time to WIND DOWN. Things aren't getting any easier.
Obviously this is hard for me. I hate feeling vulnerable and weak (sound familiar?). I know I need to take care of myself, and my little girl. I know I need to find my center in God. I know, I know, I know!!! Will someone please turn my brain off?!!
So I leave you with that mess. It is what it is. Your prayers are much appreciated. I know I'll get through this -- I've done it before, and I have a ton of support. And just so you know I haven't gone completely off the deep end, I'll even throw this in:
The LORD is gracious and righteous;
our God is full of compassion.
The LORD protects the simplehearted;
when I was in great need, he saved me.
Be at rest once more, O my soul,
for the LORD has been good to you.
Psalm 116: 5-7 (NIV 1984)